Silencing the Little Voice
I think most pastor-types I know can identify with this.
I stand back and let everyone else help themselves while I wait to pick through what is left over.
I push others across the finish line ahead of me, even if it means I finish last.
I want everyone else to be taken care of, even if I need care myself.
I will give you the last bite off my plate, even if I’m still hungry.
It isn’t because I’m good or self-sacrificing or altruistic. I think it’s just the way I’ve been groomed to be. The tapes that play in my head say, “Don’t promote yourself. You aren’t that important. Who cares if you always finish last?
And all along there is this little voice inside of me that cries out, “What about me? Don’t I count for something? Can’t I win, just once? Please, just once, can’t I be first?”
I usually tell her to hush. She shouldn’t be selfish or demanding. What has she done to deserve being first? She needs to go to the back of the line where she belongs.
She does what she’s told, but sometimes I can hear her crying.
I guess that if I can’t hear the voice and honor it, then I shouldn’t be surprised when no one else does either.